I’ve been having real problems putting stuff in proper perspective.
My reaction to them has been way out of proportion, leading to the odd bout of ranting or introspection.
It was most noticeable with a vaguely work-related issue. But rather than address it square on, my usual style for all things work-related, I allowed it to fester a little.
Worse than that, I ranted about it on a regular basis to my wife. Although largely sympathetic to the valid point I was convinced I had, I must have tested Rachel’s patience (not to mention her concentration levels).
This lack of perspective reared its ugly head again more recently when Rachel asked what progress I had made regarding our overgrown garden.
She had asked me back in January to get quotes from companies to hack back the jungle and then again a few weeks ago. Both times I made a mental note to do it, both times it went completely out of my head within 24 hours – not just filed under “do it soon”, but well and truly forgotten.
It wasn’t this inability to remember, so much, that I couldn’t to put into proper perspective.
Rather, it was the overwhelming belief that I had failed.
I had failed Rachel in her time of need when I was supposed to be the ultra-efficient one, juggling work requirements and caring responsibilities with sublime ease.
If I can forget something so basic as sorting the garden out, what would I fail her on next – reminding Rachel about her meds, giving her the right vitamins, keeping her amused and stress-free?
All nonsense, obviously, but it made for an uncomfortable afternoon for us both.
The biggest problem is that I let this fester, rather than chat to Rachel. As ever, chatting to Rachel quickly helps to sort out the stuff and nonsense.
So what is the sound of two fists clenching? Silence, obviously.
But in this case, silence isn’t golden. It is quite damaging.
It forms part of the learning curve we are both on – being married, dealing with my wife’s CFS, life in general. I need to learn to share a bit more, not bottle things up, stop clenching those fists in silent frustration.
Next month is ME/CFS International Awareness Day and I’ll be blogging again about my life with my wife’s CFS on May 12. So will many others (hopefully), including Rachel.
In the meantime, I’ve got everything in proportion and a sense of perspective is returning.
Various things have helped, such as talking with Rachel and seeing what a real balls up actually entails courtesy of the Fail Blog.
Making proper lists, rather than mental notes is obviously something I need to consider in the future.
And that reminds me, I must ring those gardeners…